What not to buy the writer in your life for Christmas

As a follow-up to my post entitled ‘What to Buy the Writer in Your Life‘ I thought it prudent to outline the items that you shouldn’t buy for your writer friend under any circumstances:

Another Notebook

I find it hard to resist the allure of a nice notebook with its pretty cover, and the blank pages and all the potential they hold. I’m sure that most writers have a notebook fetish, but it’s more of a magpie instinct. An urge to collect and leave to gather dust in a drawer.

One of my bestest friends, who may or may not read this post, will probably be horrified and think I’m an ungrateful wench when she reads this, but I’m willing to take that risk for your benefit, dear reader. She bought me a very special notebook.  It is tan, leather-bound, monogrammed and gorgeous. But can I write in it? Hell no! It’s too beautiful. I could never defile its crisp white pages with my hideous handwriting. It’s sitting in a drawer in its fancy protective bag and that is where it’ll stay.

The moral of my story is this: I appreciate the sentiment, the expense and the beauty of the thing. In fact, I love the notebook so much I will probably ask to be buried with it. But it will never be used as intended. Not because I don’t appreciate it, but because I do.

I’m not a writer that uses notebooks. I use my phone to jot things down. The benefits being that I (a) always have it on me, ideas pop into my head in the strangest of places and (b) it is lightweight and fits in my pocket/hand (c) I don’t need anything more than my finger and the phone. Notebooks pose two problems, (i) you must always have the notebook with you to avoid forgetting important ideas and (ii) you must always have a pen. Pens tend to gather in gangs when you need them least and abscond when you need them most. There are many writers that claim to only use notebooks as they prefer to make notes freehand, but those writers already have a favoured notebook of exactly the right size and weight for transporting around with them.

If you’re determined to buy a notebook, buy a particularly lovely one to be used for Instagram photos, but don’t expect it to ever have the nib of a pen touch its pages.

Distractions

Sometimes writers like to disappear down rabbit holes for hours at a time and hide from their writing. So buying a writer a computer game/console/ or series box-set which might be appreciated, isn’t going to keep them focused. It’s hard enough for writers to resist the lure of the internet but they can easily lose hours in a game or a series. I’ve been known to lose days to computer games. I lost 24 hours straight to The Sims when I was a teenager. My mother confiscated it when I emerged from my bedroom at 8pm in my pyjamas, with dehydrated eyes, grey-tinged skin and a twitch.

A lot of creative people have addictive personalities. Of course, we only become addicted to things that are bad for us. For example, I break out in a cold sweat if I don’t inhale at least one packet of salty corn snacks once a day, but somehow never developed an addiction to running…

If a writer is going to form an addiction, encourage them to develop one that’s good for their writing. See my Blog Post entitled ‘What to Buy the Writer in Your Life‘, # 1, ‘alcohol’.

Books

I loooove going to a bookshop to buy books. I could easily spend an hour in a bookshop browsing. But I don’t like it when people buy me books. The danger is that I’ll have read it, already have it (waiting to be read) or hate it. Most writers have a ‘want-to-read list’ (many people put those lists on Goodreads, just FYI). Unless you can get a peek at that, don’t bother buying a book for your writer. If you have a book that you really like, lend it to your writer. Otherwise, give them a voucher and let them buy their own damn books you control freak!

There is one exception to the ‘don’t buy a writer books’ rule. Most writers will accept the gift of a particularly gorgeous classic in hardback that’ll look fabulous on their bookshelf but which nobody will ever be allowed to read.

Novelty stuff for Bants and Lolz

There are lots of silly, gimmicky things aimed at writers. They are an absolute hoot! Things like notebooks for the shower and writers blocks that are actually (wait for it) BLOCKS OF WOOD! Hilarious.

If you give the writer in your life one of these items they’ll say ‘haha, hysterical, my sides are splitting’ and then dump it at the first opportunity.

Ugly Mugs

Your friend is a writer. They sustain themselves almost entirely on caffeinated beverages. They are also pedantic. They have the strong belief that they are mug connoisseurs and there’s a right kind of mug and a wrong kind of mug for various drinks. They already have at least one ‘special’ mug. Probably three (I have a mug for white coffee, a cup and saucer for black coffee, a mug for tea and a transparent mug for herbal tea). The mugs will gather on their desk until they absolutely have to be washed.

If you have your heart set on buying a mug for your friend, how can you ensure that your mug can compete with the tasteful mugs your friend has carefully chosen? How is it going to stand out from the crowd? The answer: buy something that looks like some thought was put into its design and it might actually be used. Whatever you do, don’t pick a fugly mug. You don’t want your mug banished to the back of their cupboard with the rest of the fugly mugs. What makes a mug fugly? It’s basic, usually white, it features a cliched quote, and worst of all, the quote is written in a horrible font. Writers take great offence to an ugly font. When I’m gifted a hideous novelty mug I leave it by the edge of the kitchen counter for my cat to knock off. That’s about the only thing it’s good for. Don’t let your gift meet a similar fate.

Christmas Presents for the Aspiring Writer in your Life


(If you’re a writer reading this, this post isn’t for you. This is for you to surruptitiously leave open on the iPad/phone/laptop of a loved one. You deserve gifts. Goddammit, you deserve good gifts! It’s not like you can afford to buy them for yourself!)



Buying gifts for a writer is a nightmare, but I’m here to wake you up to the fact that it needn’t be. I’ve carefully curated a list of twelve things your writer friend is very likely to appreciate. You may buy some or all of these gifts for your writer friend/lover/family member. Don’t forget, everyone knows that sums expended on presents directly represent the amount of love you feel for a person, so give generously.

1. Alcohol:

Unless they are a rare breed of teetotal writer, your writer will welcome alcohol. Alcohol helps with writing. That’s a fact. All of the best writers were/are notorious booze-hounds. Especially Jane Austen. If your writer is not yet a drinker you need to give them a nudge in the right direction. This is for their own good.

Fancy booze is the in-thing these days. Artisanal gin infused with essence of unicorn horn and whiskey aged in wooden barrels once owned by King Arthur and the likes. Get some of that so that they can work on developing their drinking habit without worrying that they might become some common-or-garden alcoholic. Bonus: Posh liquor will look Instagrammable tastefully placed beside item #2 on your writer friend’s desk.

My Pick: Writer’s Tears Whiskey

2. A Cat/ Multiple Cats:

 

Mr Purrfect, making a writer of me

The best thing about a cat gift is that most shelters are giving the little feckers away for free! Can’t wait to get rid of ’em! It’s a win-win-win situation. Cats help with writing. All the best writers have/had desk-cats. This is a fact. For bonus points teach the thing to hold pens, so that it can earn its keep.

 

My Pick: Something like this

3. Good coffee/ vouchers for the closest coffee shop/ coffee paraphenalia:

Coffee will provide much-needed fuel for your writer friend. They are going to need it to counteract the effects of imbibing fancy whiskey. See # 1.

My Pick: Homitt Cafetiere

4. A Fancy Pen:

This is for when your friend/lover/relative is signing books at their swanky book launch. They’ll probably have forgotten all about you by the time they reach the heady heights of international stardom. At least you’ll get the satisfaction of nudging the person beside you in the book-signing queue, pointing to the pen and saying ‘I gave him/her that’. 

My Pick: Handcrafted ballpoint

5. A Holiday:

I know, I know, I know. Holidays are pricey, but believe me, the writer in your life deserves it. Writers are constantly working. Even when they’re not. Their brains are constantly ticking over, searching for new ways to entertain their readers. This selfless act is, quite frankly, exhausting. They are willing to make this sacrifice for the benefit of their adoring fans, of which you are one. Be a good fan, and pay for their holiday. I hear Barbados is good this time of year. Even better, don’t insist on going with them. Send them off on a writer’s retreat. Alone.

My Pick: find a comprehensive list of writer’s retreats here. 

6. A Book Voucher for an Actual Bookshop:

Though they love their kindles, writers love an excuse to visit a bookshop. They enjoy spending hours browsing and carefully selecting books from the shelves in the ‘literature’ section. They like to conspicuously read random passages from hifalutin novels while nodding thoughtfully and saying ‘mmmm’. As they do this they are sneaking glances at the pile of commercial fiction on a nearby table, choosing the book that they’ll actually buy on their way out. New books are expensive, so don’t be a tight-arse. Give generously.

7. Writerly Cufflinks /Jewellery / Pins /Clothing/Bags:

All writers secretly want everyone to know they’re a writer. You’ve probably already noticed how they attempt to introduce it into conversation with strangers whenever the opportunity arises. Save them the trouble by buying them a statement piece that screams ‘I’m a tortured writer, ask me about it!’. Etsy , Amazon, Penguin , Out of Print Clothing and The Literary Emporium all sell nice things. These sites also sell non-wearable stuff for the writerly naturist in your life. I recommend bookends, luggage tags, framed posters, bookmarks, coasters and keyrings for those weirdos.

My pick: For the pedantic lady in your life

8. A Writing Course:

Writers love a good writing course. Online or in person, it doesn’t matter. Just pick wisely. ‘Poetry for Beginners’ isn’t going to please a person that already believes they are the 21st century’s answer to Lord Byron. Handle their fragile ego with care, or you might inadvertently ruin their Christmas.

My pick: Udemy online courses 

9. Time:

If the writer person in your life is a parent, the most beautiful gift you can give them is a day (or ten) of peace, quiet and R&R away from their offspring. Babysit, or get a babysitter, give them some ‘me’ time. They will adore you. They’ll probably end up writing during that ‘me’ time, but at least they’ll get to do so in blissful silence.

10. Apps or Subscriptions:

Scrivener, Grammarly Premium, Spotify Premium, Headspace, Audible, Journal of the Month, Amazon Kindle Unlimited are examples of great things to buy for writers, but your writer might just have them so make subtle enquiries/ hack their computer before you buy. Warning: don’t be alarmed/disgusted if you check their browsing history…anything that’s on there is probably there for research purposes only. Probably.

11. An Air-Purifying Plant (in a nice pot):

My office is like The American Office. I too have a Pam. My palm tree. She’s good for air, and humans need that shit, even writers. Pam is hanging onto life by a thread, but I’m sure I’d have choked on my own Co2 in this sarcophagus/office of mine without her. I’m alive and kicking, and that’s all down to Pam. Cheers, Pam! You deserve a drop of water for that!

12. Self-Care/ Wellness Gifts:

Writers often neglect themselves because sometimes the physical world around them seems less important than the world they are inhabiting in their heads. In other words, they can be awful slobs. Get them a couple of yoga classes, a massage, a spa day, a session with a personal trainer, a session with a stylist, a fecking haircut, pay for a cleaner for their gaff, bring their laundry to the local launderette. Warning: it’s probably a good idea to power-hose the writer down and treat any parasitic infections before bringing them anywhere in public.

Disclaimer: It is possible that the writer in your life will balk at all of these suggestions, as it it possible that I am writing this post purely out of self-interest and as a massive hint to my own family and friends.